


The Memories We Make (And The Roses We Hold)

by MakerOfAnarchy



Category: Glee
Genre: Age Difference, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-01
Updated: 2013-01-01
Packaged: 2017-12-04 18:19:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/713625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MakerOfAnarchy/pseuds/MakerOfAnarchy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Take me to the big show; Take me anywhere but here; Put me in the front row; Make my problems disappear" - Cirque Dans La Rue by the Plain White T's</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Memories We Make (And The Roses We Hold)

There are a lot of things Blaine remembers about his childhood. Most he would rather forget, but memories are memories for a reason.

Blaine remembers how his father would pat him on his back and say to him, “How was practice, son?”

Blaine remembers the fond looks his mother would give him over her paperwork, hair pinned neatly. How she would always ask him how his day went, and he would tell her what he hoped she wanted to hear -- how he met someone interesting, or learned a new fact. She would nod and not look up and when he was done say, “That’s great. Sweetie. All A’s?”

And he would nod and trudge upstairs to do the homework and the extra credit his parents had requested he do.

Blaine remembers becoming acutely aware of how he would never be good enough, sitting in the living room and watching his mother evaluate his report and frown when she saw a percentage that wasn’t one hundred and one percent.

He remembers how no one in his house ever seemed happy, and he remembers how there were always arguments in his house, over everything and nothing. They would yell in hushed whispers about why this or that wasn’t perfect.

Nothing was ever good enough.

Blaine remembers how during those loud arguments he could hear through the walls, Cooper would take him away.

And out of the bad memories, the few good ones he has play on repeat, drowning out his childhood sorrow.

\---

The first time Cooper took him to a magic show, his parents were arguing about money, quietly rattling the walls with their detached rage. It seems to be building and Blaine wants to cover his ears and just hide under his bed.

He was 8 and he was sitting on his bed, trying to read a book and get lost in someone else’s problems when Cooper knocked on his door, smiled sadly and held up his brother’s coat. “Come on, Squirt. We’re gonna have some fun.”

Cooper doesn’t say where they’re going and Blaine doesn’t ask. At this point, he just feels grateful to be away from the noise.

“What is this, Coop?” Blaine asks when they pull up to a tent. It’s a large tent, but it’s still a tent. There are lights flashing and the area they’ve deemed a parking lot is full, but it’s a tent. Blaine wrinkles his nose, but follows Cooper anyways, even when Cooper doesn’t answer. Blaine figures an adventure is better than the confinements of his house.

Cooper hands over some tickets to a booth and gains entrance, guiding Blaine inside. The lights are flashing and when Blaine looks around, it’s mostly kids his age. There are seats placed directly on the dirt floor of the parking lot and Blaine wonders how he got here.

They sit with some other kids, ones rowdy and excited for and Blaine finds himself forgetting. Right then, the worries he shouldn’t have yet aren’t the first thing on his mind, for once. He lets the kids and their excited chatter surround him, joining in and making friends. He feels okay.

The lights were dimmed and a man walked out into the middle of the grounds, smiling so brightly.

“This is The Magic Show You Will Never Forget!” He exclaims, before it goes pitch black. Kids all around gasp, and then there’s a spotlight focusing down to the center, and Blaine is enthralled, but not by the show.

The assistant that rolls out a cart is the most beautiful person Blaine has ever seen. It’s a boy, a pale-skinned, tall boy with hair curved and pressed to his forehead and flushed cheeks. Blaine may only be eight, but he knows when something is pretty and this boy is the prettiest.

He is wearing a top hat that’s way too big for him and when it falls off a little the boy grins and pushes it back onto his head. Blaine cannot look away.

There’s a magic trick happening, Blaine knows, but as far as he is concerned, this boy is the most majestic thing he will ever see – and the only thing that makes it better.

\---

Their parents are having one of those fights, the ones that make Blaine grit his teeth and force himself to not hide, because hiding won’t change anything, he’s learning. He can still hear them, and when his father says mean things about how he shouldn’t be allowed to wear bowties and his mother responds with how he can wear whatever he wants as long as his marks are good, it feels like they’re talking right in his ear.

Blaine doesn’t want to expect but boy does he hope that Cooper will come for him. He wants Cooper to come and take him away and maybe he’ll get that light, unexpected feeling again.

Maybe he’ll see the pretty boy again.

Cooper comes for him with the same sad smile, and the same coat and they go the same place and Blaine feels better.

Now he just has to wait for the pretty boy.

He never sees him.

Blaine goes home to a cold house and just his mom, feeling almost worse than before.

\---

This is a screaming match. And Blaine is hiding, even if he knows this isn’t helping anything. He’s under his bed, curled into himself and rocking because it hurts.

It hurts feeling like your family is tearing apart, and it hurts feeling like it’s your fault and it will always be your fault,.

There’s a knock and, “Blaine?” before he peeks open one eye and sees Cooper kneeling there, smiling the same smile and Blaine is climbing out of his bed and trying his best to get to Cooper and to the magic and away.

Cooper hugs Blaine before they go in and Blaine relishes that hug and that moment of comfort because it says a lot, it apologizes for things neither of them can change.

As always, Blaine searches for the boy and this time he sees him, sees him wheel out a cart wearing the same tophat with the same flushed cheeks and Blaine is now 9, and yet he feels the determination of a tiger.

“Cooper,” Cooper doesn’t hear him over the show so Blaine leans in closer, crawling into his lap and bouncing to get his attention. “Cooper, Cooper.”

“Blaine, shhh,” Cooper says but looks down at him anyways, smiling a fond smile.

Blaine leans up to whisper because he holds this boy, this boy he doesn’t know, close to his heart and he doesn’t want anyone to ever know about this boy, because that will lead to more fights, of that he is sure.

“Who is that?” Blaine says, and when Cooper just stares in confusion, Blaine leans back and points as subtly as possible (pointing is rude, Blaine) to the boy who is now just on the sidelines watching, no longer smiling.

“Oh,” Blaine looks back to Cooper to see he isn’t smiling, not so much. “I don’t know who that is, Squirt. Just the assistant.”

“Can I meet him?” Blaine would beg, if he had to.

Cooper squinted at him. “Why?”

“Because he’s…” Blaine hesitated, not sure if he wanted to say it. In the end, he took a plunge. “…pretty.”

Cooper analyzed his face, before he grinned and nodded.

\---

Blaine felt like he was crawling out of his skin in excitement. After the show Cooper had steered him down the steps and back into a meet and greet area. There were kids everywhere, but Cooper managed to push them through and up to the magician.

“Hello, sir,” Cooper said, even though Blaine wasn’t even paying attention. He had his eyes trained steadily on the boy a few feet behind him, packing and rolling things up and away.

“My name is Cooper and this is my brother Blaine,” Cooper picked him up and Blaine made sure to smile politely at the magician before his eyes went back to the boy.

“He’s, ah, a little enamored with your assistant,” Liam the Magician turned around, noticing the boy working behind him and immediately his face became fond and open.

“Yes, that’s Kurt. He comes and goes, but he’s still the most loyal guy I know,” Turning back to them, Liam raised an eyebrow. “Would you like to meet him?”

Blaine nodded, his eyes widening because he would meet him (“Cooper, is my bowtie straight?). Blaine began to squirm.

“Kurt!” And suddenly, Kurt was turning around and walking over to them, wiping his forehead and he looked even more like an angel up close.

Blaine tensed up, shying away from him and curling into Cooper’s chest because now that he was here, Blaine never wanted him to leave.

“Now, he is shy,” Cooper grinned at the magician and Kurt just looked on.

“This here is Cooper and his brother, Blaine, Kurt. You have a fan.”

“Say hi Blaine.”

Blaine looked up, mumbled, “Hi,” before burrowing back into Cooper’s chest.

“Aww come now, Squirt,” Blaine’s head snapped up, glaring at Cooper. “Don’t call me that.”

“And the claws come out.” They all chuckle and Blaine doesn’t like this, he doesn’t like being treated like a spectacle and something to be talked about but not to. He is not that, he is more than that, he wished everyone understood what he did.

Blaine wiggled until Cooper released him to the ground and Blaine fixed his bowtie, smoothed his hair and hopped around to Kurt.

“Hi,” he said when he got there, looking up to Kurt.

“Hi,” Kurt dropped down to his level and Blaine blushed, looking away. His eyes are blue. “I hear you’re a fan?”

“You’re really pretty.” Blaine looks back at him, in time to see Kurt’s face light up and Blaine thinks that he’d say and do anything to get Kurt to always smile like that.

“Well, aren’t you the charmer?” Kurt exclaims, laughing, and it is music to Blaine.

“I’m sorry I don’t have a flower for you. You deserve a flower. I’m sorry.”

“Oh, don’t you worry,” Kurt smiles and touches his cheek. “You may have not have known but you being you was exactly what I need right now. Thank you, Blaine.”

Blaine floats.

\---

When Blaine is ten, his father leaves.

And when he is eleven, his father comes back.

Both times Cooper takes him to the magic show, and Blaine only sees Kurt once. Blaine has a daisy both times and the one he doesn’t give to Kurt wilts in his school backpack.

He doesn’t throw it away.

\---

When Cooper moves away for college Blaine has to learn how to foot it to the magic show, and when he gets there he’s sweaty and his flower hurts from gripping it so hard (it would be crumpled in his backpack, oh no), but Kurt hugs him and grins and says, “My beautiful prince.”

That makes it all worth it.

\---

When Blaine turns fourteen, he upgrades to roses (Blaine pays attention to the meanings, though he knows Kurt doesn’t. He brings him a yellow one then a white one then an orange one, but never lavender and never red. He’s not ready for Kurt to know that, even on a subconscious level.). It’s also around this time he realizes that Kurt isn’t just pretty, Kurt is gorgeous, and Kurt is perfect. Kurt is also six years older, but that doesn’t deter Blaine.

This is when he realizes that he wants to do more than just hug Kurt and spend time with him, he wants to kiss Kurt and marry Kurt because he’s pretty sure he’s been in love since he was eight.

He tells his parents all of this.

His father leaves again.

Blaine brings Kurt two blue roses, that time.

\---

(“I came out to my parents, today.”

“How’d they take it?”

“Dad left.”

“He’ll come back.”

“He always does.”)

\---

“Where do you go? The times you aren’t here?”

“Away from the trouble. Starting from scratch. Finishing college.”

“Running doesn’t solve anything, Kurt. Trust me. I’ve been running from home to here for years and each time I go back, it’s only gotten worse.”

Kurt smiles sadly and pinches Blaine’s cheek. Kurt is twenty - one now and Blaine is fifteen and they’re best friends, Blaine knows this. Blaine guesses he might be the only reason Kurt even ever comes back and works at the magic show.

“Why do you come back, then?”

“You.” It still makes his heart flutter. “The show.”

“The show?”

“Liam was the best mentor a guy could’ve asked for. He gave me a place, a safe haven, and for that I am indebted. I could never just leave him.”

\---

“My dad died.”

And with that Kurt is sobbing, clutching to Blaine and Blaine can only kiss his hair and hold him against his body as tight as possible. Blaine can only promise his forever, very quietly.

“I shouldn’t have gone I knew he was sick but I just couldn’t anymore Blaine I was fourteen, and he was dying and I just. I had to go I had to go.”

“He died alone, Blaine. Seven years ago to this date my father died alone in a hospital and I didn’t even know until they sent me an insurance check and – “

“Shhh, take a breath, it’s okay it’s not your fault it’s okay,” Blaine pets Kurt’s back and Blaine is happy they’re at Kurt’s house instead of backstage at the magic show like usual. Kurt had called and said, “Come over,” and Blaine, loyal as he is, was in his car before Kurt could even text him the directions.

“That’s my only regret my only regret and I can visit his grave and spend all my money on flowers and talk until I am throat sore but nothing will ever change that.”

Kurt’s tears were soaking his shirt and Blaine thought this was weird. Never before had he been the one to comfort Kurt, it was always Blaine in Kurt’s arms, crying or ranting. And Kurt was always strong, always perfect for him and Blaine just had to believe that he could do that same for Kurt, just this once or however many times Kurt needed because Blaine would be there forever.

\---

Blaine is seventeen when he opens his heart for the first time and simultaneously gets it broken, for the first time.

His mom had just finished ranting at him about how he had to get a law degree. He had to go Harvard, his marks were perfect, they had to accept him. And he had to do these things because when his father moved back in everything had to be perfect and at that point Blaine left.

He went where he always went, to Kurt.

“What happened?”

“My mom. She wants me to go to Harvard. Basically told me I have no choice. I hate that I hate that I never have any other choice but to be perfect and get everything right. I was never a kid or a teenager I was always an adult and how fucked up is that, the fact that I was forced to skip all the years that are supposed to shape me? Now I’m just this shell, this worker for my mother, I’m not her son, I am an employee that’s all I have ever been just another cog in her perfectly, well oiled machine – “

“Blaine, Blaine, Blaine,” Kurt stood up and ceased Blaine’s ranting, holding his face and looking into his eyes. “Stop. Just stop. Breathe.”

Kurt waited until Blaine took some deep breaths before speaking again. “You can do whatever you want, Blaine. You’re not a shell, you’re the most resplendent, well-rounded, gorgeous person I know. You like to sing and you like to dance and you like rocky road ice cream and your favorite scent is raspberry, and you don’t like walking barefeet because it gets your feet dirty and you’re good at it all because it makes it all you, and you are perfect because you’re you. And you, can do anything.”

Blaine just stares at Kurt in awe. He’s lucky to have someone as brilliant as Kurt even in his presence, he’s lucky Kurt even knows his name. He’s lucky to have someone care as much as Kurt does.

And he wants Kurt, god, does he want Kurt. He wants everything with Kurt.

It starts with, “Make love to me.”

Kurt staggers back, the shock of Blaine’s words knocking the wind out of him. They stare at each other with wide eyes and the silence is so heavy, Blaine is sinking.

Blaine swallows, and makes a move to extend a hand, because he doesn’t like that Kurt is so fucking far away, he wants him closer.

“Please say something.”

And it ends with, “I’m engaged.”

\---

Blaine goes home, and he cries. He cries so hard because he has lost Kurt, and he had promised himself he wouldn’t do that but he had. He had ruined it all because he couldn’t hold his childish instincts to say what was on his mind back and now he has nothing.

He calls Cooper and he cries some more. He calls all his friends and they come over to his house and wipe his tears and rub his back as he mails in his Harvard application.

\---

Kurt is a good memory, Blaine thinks as he packs his bags. Downstairs his father is standing there, a proud look on his face. He came back, like they all knew he would, drawn in by the news that maybe things would get “better”.

His mother is there and she’s – she’s crying, and god, Blaine just wants to go back upstairs and sleep because he’s leaving his parents but he’s not – he’s not really. He’s still a part of their machine and he feels like there is a collar and leash around his neck, and he can only go down the path they pave for him.

He is restricted and Blaine hasn’t felt like this, hasn’t felt it in such a crippling way since before Kurt and that just makes it worse.

His mom cries on his shoulder and his dad pats him on the back and Cooper gives him that smile and hands him his coat and they make eye contact and Blaine has to look away, he has to.

Blaine’s carry on goes into the backseat of the taxi cab, and he blows kisses to his family before getting in and resting his head against the door.

The taxi starts to drive and Blaine sees Cooper still looking at him, and now he’s holding a rose and goddammit.

“I’d like to take a little detour, please. I’ll pay extra. I need to go the flower shop.”

\---

Blaine pays and sits down and he watches the show. He watches Kurt come out and do his assistant thing, and he is a damn fool, sitting there with his rose.

A single, red rose. Because it means something, and he thinks he is ready to let the world know.

Kurt looks up and Blaine is caught staring at him. He holds up the flower, slowly, because it is a peace offering, it is him giving away his heart one more time.

Kurt sees it, and Blaine watches the recognition, the confusion, and the sorrow litter his face. He makes eye contact with Blaine one more time, and he turns his head and walks away, and Blaine’s heart crashes to the floor just like last time.

He does not move from that spot. The show ends and people leave and Blaine does not move.

It’s only when he hears footsteps coming his way does he look up, because he is somehow still hoping, praying Kurt will come for him.

Liam sits next to him, and their quiet. Blaine looks at the littered ground and he thinks about how he got his heart made and broken and repaired and broken again in a tent.

“You know why I’ve dedicated my life to doing magic in a small, shit town like Lima, Blaine?”

“No, sir.”

“Because we all need something in our lives, Blaine. Something that will set us free and make us realize that the possibilities are endless. The ways to be happy are endless. I thought I should bring something like that to the folks of Lima. Joanne used to do that, and then she passed away.”

Blaine knows where this is going and he has to stop it. “He doesn’t want me. He’s made that clear.”

“You meet his fiancé?”

“No, sir. I don’t plan to sir.”

“He’s a jackass,” Liam leans back and Blaine has to crack a grin. “Some stuffy, collared business major. He never found that thing to free him. Ain’t that sad?”

That’s you in ten years.

Nobody has to say it, Blaine knows it.

“I don’t want that for the boy I consider a son. The boy I’m going to leave everything to when I die. He deserves someone who will let him open up and give his gift to the world.”

Someone like you.

“Now I want you to go down there, and find Kurt. I want you to make him listen. I want him to realize the thing he already knows.”

Blaine stands up, and he looks at the rose in his hand. He knows that he can’t stand to get his heart broken in the same way, and he has to say it.

“I can’t – I can’t let this happen again. He’s running from me and I can’t chase him until the end of time, no matter how much I want to. I have to move on in my life, whether he’s in it or not.”

“Just go.”

Blaine goes.

\---

His flight was taking off right now, and Blaine was not on the plane.

Instead, he stood on Kurt’s doorstep, knocking, calling for Kurt.

“Blaine? How? Aren’t you supposed to be on your way to Harvard?”

“I had to tell you something. And I was told by a very kind man to kick you in the ass.”

“Liam?”

“Liam.”

Blaine cracks a smile and leans his forehead against the door.

“Go away Blaine.”

“I’m not leaving until I say what I have to, Kurt. I’ll say it through the door if I have to.”

“I’m not…I’m not opening the door Blaine. I can’t let you do this.”

“I’m in love with you.” There. He said it. Ten years in the making and he can finally say it.

“No you’re not. You’re in love with the idea of me. What you think I am. I’m not.”

Blaine feels a slow anger building in him because he is so fucking tired of that. People telling him what he can and cannot do, who he can and cannot love.

“Kurt. I was eight years old and I noticed you over the screaming kids and I noticed you through my sadness, I noticed you, and I immediately thought you were a prince. You were and are perfect for me and to me. I fell in love with you because you let me be me and you didn’t even know you were doing it. You were just being you and yet you gave me the courage to figure myself out under the oppression of everyone saying stop doing that, it’s not right. You were and are what I need. You held me when no one else would and made me feel like one day everything really could be okay. You let me talk to you and you understood, and you cared.“

“Anyone could do those things.” Kurt’s voice sounds choked, and Blaine smiles because Kurt is just a stubborn person.

“Yeah, people did. People can listen but no one will care. You care Kurt – “

“…of course I care…”

“—you showed me love when no one else could. And you know it. God, you know all of this Kurt, I shouldn’t ever have to justify my love for someone or anything because that is what they want, they want me to tell them why it is right when they are so sure it’s wrong and I can’t believe this is what it’s come to.”

“We’ve always had communication, but it seems like you’ve shut me out and broken me and I can’t –“

Blaine hits his head against the door lightly. He feels frustration that he’s here, pleading his love for a man just as broken as he is through a wooden door.

“I just want to love you, Kurt. And I know you’re engaged – “

“Broke it off.”

“I know you’re out of my league and too good for me, I don’t deserve you, you’re so magnificent. But I still want to try and I’m just asking for one chance, Kurt.”

“I love you too.” Kurt’s voice broke. “But you’re so young Blaine and you don’t want to deal with all of my crap, all the shit I have to deal with because I made a decision when I was fourteen that I can’t change. I ran away and that fixes nothing but I did it now I have more problems than before. “

“Remember who told you that Kurt. Remember who you’re talking too.”

“I’m just so scared I won’t be good enough – “

“Kurt Hummel, would I be standing here looking like a fool in front of your door if you weren’t good enough. Let me decide what’s good enough for me. You’re too good for me, but for once I’ll be selfish. Just please don’t do this Kurt.”

It’s silent on the other side besides Kurt’s hiccups and Blaine himself feels like crying, but no tears are coming. He is dried out and used up and he just wants to be on the other side of the damn door, with him, crying with him.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.”

Blaine grinned and hit his head against the door again, feeling giddy.

“Now will you let me in so I can finally kiss you breathless?”

Kurt’s bright, open face as he opens the door and let Blaine in is a memory.

Blaine cups Kurt’s face and presses their lips together in a feather light kiss, and then he’s closing the door and pushing Kurt against it, still kissing him slowly, languidly because suddenly Blaine feels like he has all the time in the world to make as many good memories as possible, with Kurt.

And Blaine will use his time wisely, he promises.

\---


End file.
